The Quarterly Article from Krish and Amana

It is predictable that in any kind of significant relationship we are going to encounter conflicts, disappointments, and disagreements.

All too often, we deal with these situations by becoming angry and/or cutting off and creating more and more distance and pain.

What are needed to be able to resolve our conflicts is both the willingness and the tools to repair these conflicts when they arise.

Let’s take an example.

Alicia is upset with Jacob because she feels that he is not available. According to her, he doesn’t share his feelings; he shuts down and does not communicate even when he is disturbed. She feels that their sex life is dull because it has become mechanical and disconnected. Whenever she tries to address her frustrations with him, he becomes even more shut down and distant. Jacob says that he feels pressure, expectations, and criticism from Alicia that only makes it harder for him to open. He feels that nothing is ever enough for her and is hopeless about their relationship. They are fighting much of the time. They are both feeling hurt, misunderstood, unappreciated, unloved, frustrated, and angry.

Normally, in a situation like this, we might engage with the person who triggered us emotionally with the intention of wanting the other person to change. But when we try to communicate in an emotional state and with the intention to change the other, things only get worse.

Here is another approach.
In this approach, there are two stages - “The Inner Process” and “The Repair Process”.

Here are the steps:

A. The Inner Process

1. Begin by becoming aware when you are triggered and notice the feeling in the body. Each of us feels differently when triggered – perhaps you feel angry, shocked, hurt, sad, despairing, depressed, or full of shame.

2. Allow yourself to feel the emotion by becoming aware of the sensations in the body. Feel how it affects your breathing, the energy in your body and feel the compulsion to go out of yourself to attack, criticize, analyze, or judge the other person and to tell him or her that they are wrong and should change. Or perhaps your tendency might be to blame yourself, be very self-critical or become depressed and lose energy and motivation.

3. Ask yourself, “What is the expectation that you have on your partner in this situation? And “What is the fear if you don’t get this expectation met?”

4. Ask yourself, “What is the deep basic need that you long to have met?”

Here is a list of possible basic needs that may have been triggered:

1. The need for safety, protection and security.
2. The need for love and connection
3. The need to feel autonomy and to feel supported in that autonomy.
4. The need to feel validated in your feelings.
5. The need to feel touched with presence and sensitivity.
6. The need for respect
7. The need to feel listened to, taken in and heard.
8. The need for honesty.
9. The need for commitment.
10. The need for relaxation and playtime.

(It is helpful to understand that the feelings arise in us when a need is not being met; or said in other words, when we become aware of the need. This is important in relating so that we don’t misunderstand and think that the feeling arises because of the other person’s behavior. This understanding helps when we move into the repair process.)

4. The final step of the inner process is to feel the pain of all the times in the past that this need was not met.

B. “The Repair Process”

1. Once you have gone inside and taken the time to be with the questions above, and you feel that you can engage with your partner or the other person with the clear intention to connect and communicate, you are ready to repair. Start by making a commitment to yourself to share without blame, attack, analysis, accusation, or wanting to fix or change the other person.

(If you still want to do any of the above, go back to “the inner process.” If necessary, talk to a trusted friend first if you cannot get out of the child state of consciousness.)

2. Begin by saying to your partner, “I would like to share something. Do you have the space to listen?”

(If the other person does not have the space at this time you can ask that he or she will let you know when they have the space to listen. When the other person has the space to listen, then say, the following in your own words:

“I am feeling hurt/disconnected/upset and I would like to reconnect with you and repair.” “ “Thinking of the event, I feel…..

Keep it short and precise.

Refer to a very specific action or statement that happened and remain factual without interpretation or analysis. Also, avoid saying, “You made me feel, or it made me feel.” Simply say, “I feel ” When you describe your feeling, try to keep it as simple such as, “I feel hurt or sad or disappointed.” At this point, you can also talk about how this situation triggered memories and feelings from your past so that the other person can understand that this is your process. Again, keep it simple and to the point.

4. The next step is to connect the feeling to a basic need. You can say,

”Thinking of this particular event I feel….because I have a basic need for……. I have a wound around this need because of so many times when this need was not met.”

(Say what the basic need is and if appropriate share where it comes from and the pain you have felt in the past, your insecurity that you deserve to have it met, and fears that it will never be met.)

5. The next step, if it is appropriate, is to make a request of the person. This request could be to ask the person, “I wonder if you would be willing to tell me what you heard me say and if you would be willing to tell me how you feel when I say this?”

(In making this request, make sure that it is not a demand. And you can know the difference if you are willing to receive a “no”.)

6. Now, invite the other person to share, following the same steps.

This process invites us to move into our adult state of consciousness, where we take responsibility for our own needs and wounds. In the child consciousness, we don’t really listen. Instead we are impatient to get our point of view across, and want to defend ourselves, especially if we feel guilty or wronged. The child wants to be right!

Sometimes, it is simply a matter of choosing to shift to the adult state of consciousness. Other times we need to spend time with ourselves; to soothe ourselves before we may be able to listen. In the adult state, we open our heart to receive the other person’s sharing and feel his or her feelings and needs as he or she shares. But it is important to first listen to your own feelings and your own needs; as if you are taking your wounded child into your heart and holds and loves him or her.

When Jacob and Alicia worked through the inner and repair process, they each discovered how being together provoked many of their deepest fears of not getting basic needs met. For Jacob, it was needing to be supported and appreciated and how much pain he had felt in the past for not having these needs met. For Alicia, it was deep needs for connection and presence which she missed in her childhood. When they were able to understand, feel and be gentle with their own wounds and needs, they could share these fears and pain with each other in a space of listening and openness and their hearts opened to each other again.

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