The Challenge of Authentic Living

Each of us navigates between two distinct yet interconnected worlds: the world of relationships and the world of solitude.

When we are well integrated and have found our inner flow, we thrive in both worlds; we can relate deeply, intimately and authentically and we enjoy and feel nourished when being alone. However, when one dominates or is neglected, challenges arise, affecting our sense of self and how we connect with others.

In a balanced state, we take time to explore both worlds and face whatever challenges we may encounter in each. Both can present us with experiences which may be deeply nourishing and disturbing.

Let’s explore each world and look at how we can fulfill our being in both worlds.
Here are two examples in which the worlds are not well integrated.

Susanne is extremely social. She surrounds herself with people including her friends as well as her husband and keeps herself busy with engagements, classes, casual meetings, internet browsing and shopping. People love her company because she is vivacious, caring, and inspiring. At the same time, she hates to be alone. When asked what it is that she dislikes about being alone, she says, “it just makes me feel uncomfortable. I have to face myself, what I don’t like about myself, my self-doubts and inadequacies. And I am scared to be alone. I even hate to go to sleep at night because when I close my eyes I’m alone.”

Because Susanne is avoiding her aloneness she cuts herself off from her depth and as a result her relationships remain superficial.

Peter’s experience is totally opposite. He loves to be alone, loves taking long runs, and meditating. “Being with people is hard for me. I feel uncomfortable, insecure, embarrassed, and awkward – like a fish out of water. I often don’t know what to say and when I say something, I judge myself aferwards. When I am with someone, being silent is usually the way I feel most at ease, but honestly, I just prefer being alone.”

When Peter has a painful experience in his relating world, he returns easily to his solitary world but without feeling the pain, insecurity, or anxiety that the relating difficulty has brought up for him. Instead, he numbs himself by spending hours “meditating” or engaging in different sport activities.

Returning to his solitary world is a reaction rather than using the difficulties in relating as an opportunity to deepen and grow emotionally. And because he is not learning from the challenges of relating, his inner world remains shallow.
It may feel better and more relaxing than relating, but it’s not the deep nourishing melting and inner connection that happens in integration.

When we begin to look at our experiences in these two different worlds, we may find that either the solitary or the relational world is more familiar and comfortable. This is very natural as most of us very early may have used one of these worlds as a protection not to feel pain and fear.

Susanne approaches her relating world with the anxiety of not being appreciated, received, accepted, not fitting in, and the fear of being judged. Because she is not resting in her solitude, and because her early relating experiences were not positive, she comes to her relating world uncentered, insecure and full of dreams, hopes, and expectations. When she experiences disconnection with her partner or friends, rather than take it as an invitation to explore her deeper wounds in relating or to explore her solitary world, she regards it as a rejection or insensitivity from the other person’s side and gets angry. This causes her friends and especially her partner to pull away which only makes her blame, feel even more mistrustful and upset.

Susanne received conditional love and approval as a child if she behaved the way her mother expected. When she rebelled and went against her mother’s wishes; her mother punished her by shutting her out. Her father was mostly absent but gave her the message that it was important to listen to her mother. Because she wasn’t supported to be authentically herself, not only did she become needy for attention and connection, but she also was not supported to learn to be happy in her own world.

When she is alone she unconsciously feels the echo of her mother’s punishing withdrawal and because of that, can’t stand being alone as it feels like a punishment. She loses herself with others, by not being authentic, as she is too scared to be alone. She knows that her relating world and her fears to be alone are affected by her wounds from the past because she did not have good direction, support, or modeling to learn to develop healthy relating and solitary worlds, but she is only now beginning to face the challenge of being more authentic in relating and facing her aloneness.

Peter is also dysfunctional in both worlds. His father was verbally and at times also physically violent and his mother was negative and often depressed. As a result, he withdrew emotionally and was away from home as often as possible. He learned from an early age that relating was not nourishing or rewarding and it was much better to be alone. He says that today he can’t really understand other people, doesn’t really know what they are feeling or even what he is feeling, and he is not good at picking up the social cues that seem to be so easy for others.

Yet he realizes that his solitary world is too isolating, comfortable, lacking love and passion for life, and is aware that he is using meditation and marathon running as a way to numb himself and not deal with his deeper feelings. This is often the case with someone who retreated into solitude as an escape from an unnourishing relating experience. We find something to focus very intensely on in our life; a hobby or work, to not feel the missing inner connection.

Now, Peter is in a new relationship, and is challenged to relate regularly, to share himself and his feelings and find ways to include his girlfriend into his life. When she says that he is shut down and withdrawn, he gets confused and feels judged because he thinks that is just how he is. Although he deeply loves her and wants to be with her, he wonders if he has the ability and the skills to relate. The good news is that he is willing to face his fears and insecurities of relating and transform his solitary world to include the depth of feeling his vulnerability.

In the Learning Love Work, we guide the exploration of these two worlds by suggesting specific questions:

• What are your ideas and mistrust about your relating and your solitary world?
• What fears and insecurities arise when you go deeper into either space?
• What difficulties and challenges do you encounter when entering either space?
• What is your resistance and reluctance to opening to each one?

Our relating experiences as a child will have a profound influence on how we feel, think, and behave in both worlds.

If we were nurtured in a supportive, loving environment, we are more likely to find balance between solitude and relationships. However, if early relationships were marked by neglect, criticism, or inconsistency, we may develop fears and insecurities that make it difficult to integrate both worlds healthily.

For instance, when coming close to someone in the relating world, we may believe that we will never be loved and respected, understood or tuned into, accepted as we are, or that the other person is untrustworthy. We may project our unworthiness and conviction that we will be rejected or mistreated. We may compare ourselves negatively to the other person and make ourselves small, helpless, and impotent. Then all that is needed is a small insensitivity or lack of attunement from the other person to confirm our negative beliefs and assumptions.

What often follows our difficult past history with relating, and our negative beliefs that we formed as a result, are painful and discouraging experiences in our relating today. We may experience losing ourselves, giving away our power, lacking respect for ourselves, unable to set boundaries or even feel what we want and need.

We may experience conflict, rejection, shaming, and frequent disruptions in the flow of love with someone. We may even find it difficult to create nourishing and loving connections at all or we may limit them to brief and superficial encounters.

Often, we are in denial of how powerful our mistrust and negative projections are. We may idealize the other person only to be disappointed later when he or she falls from grace. Or we are surprised to discover how much insecurity and fear we have about coming close to someone.

On the other side; when we have not explored the depth of the solitary world, we may also have negative projections and experiences in that area of our life. It is not uncommon to consider that world boring, sad, lonely, colorless, and isolating. We may also fill our solitude with distractions and addictions because the experience of being with ourselves without distraction and entertainment is frightening and unnourishing. For instance, when Steven, a client of ours, is alone, he retreats by binging TV shows and watching pornography.

It is very important to recognize our negative assumptions – where they come from, and the experiences that follow in our life today. They are intimately related to each other and feedback on each other. When we haven’t worked through this relationship between negative beliefs, past traumas, and present experiences, it is easy to go into anger, blame, or resignation about the whole world of relating and solitude.

Now, let’s look at how we can create a healthy and flowing way to live in both these worlds and how our life is affected when we have a good connection to both.

When we have taken the time to explore and work through our resistance, fears, and negative beliefs in both worlds, and learned the necessary tools, we are ready to make each one a nourishing, vital, and fulfilling aspect of our lives.

It is highly challenging to be in our relating world for the reasons we have mentioned above. When relating superficially, it may not be so challenging but if we choose to relate consciously, deeply and intimately, we need to face many fears and insecurities that we have probably buried, minimized, denied, or ignored.

We are confronted with losing or maintaining our self-respect, self-esteem, boundaries, and integrity. Each person who becomes important in our lives can present different challenges. The experience of being in a social setting with many people can prove just as daunting.

We are faced with shame, self-doubt, deep inadequacy, and anxiety. We may face endless disappointments when our hopes and dreams don’t get satisfied. We will need to identify and learn to contain our expectations that we easily place on anyone who becomes important to us because our hunger for love, appreciation, presence, understanding, acceptance, support, inspiration, and safety is great. We may deny our “love hunger” by hiding in our solitary world but as soon as we become attached to someone, that hunger surfaces.
Unless dealt with in a healthy way, we end up in drama, disruption of trust, blame, feeling victimized, mistreated, rejected and perhaps give up on love and closeness.

We will need to risk being vulnerable, learn to accept others as they are, find the courage to set appropriate boundaries, and find ways to resolve conflicts in a non-violent and vulnerable way just to mention some of the basic tools for thriving in our relational world.

Paradoxically, one of the most important ingredients of being able to flow in our relating world is cultivating joy and maturity in our solitary world. Rather than retreating into solitude as a reaction when we the relating world is painful, we can move into the inner world with a softness, openness and willingness to see and feel the pain that has been triggered. This takes up deeper.

By learning to be with pain, to enjoy, and nurture our solitary world, we find centering, integrity, self-confidence, and self-love; which can only be found by being alone without distractions.

This means finding creative ways to be with ourselves which can include moving the body, meditating, being alone in nature, learning something new, enjoying music, dance, or art. It also includes facing our fears of aloneness by being without distraction, facing our mortality, and no longer relying on others or entertainment to make us feel happy and fulfilled. It also means taking time to feel the pain and disappointment when life or another person doesn’t give us what we want or need.

By being creative and persistent in exploring and becoming familiar with our solitary world, we begin to build a powerful resource of inner grounding and solidity.

Then when life events trigger us in any area of our lives – relating, finances, health, or loss, we can ride the wave of anxiety, mistrust, and pain without reacting and behaving in ways that alienate others or hurt ourselves. We can open to the pain and melt with it.

When a conflict, disappointment, or disruption arises in our relating, we have the courage to open to the pain and be with it in our aloneness.
When we have faced the challenges in both of these two worlds, they begin to become integrated, and they develop a good relationship with each other. It becomes easy to flow between the two worlds.

Steps to Integration
Achieving harmony between solitude and relationships requires conscious effort and self-awareness. Here are some steps to cultivate balance:

Understanding Our Patterns – Reflect on whether you lean excessively toward social engagement or solitude. Identify the fears and beliefs that shape your behavior.

Embracing Deep Solitude – To truly develop a deeper understanding and feeling for ourselves, it is essential to spend intentional time alone—free from distractions. A meditation retreat, for instance, allows us to witness our thoughts, emotions, and inner narratives without interference. This practice helps us cultivate emotional resilience, self-acceptance, and clarity in how we relate to the world around us.

Creating Meaningful Connections – Prioritize authentic relationships over superficial engagements. Practice vulnerability and learn to set healthy vulnerable boundaries.

Not Avoiding Challenge – If you use solitude to escape relational difficulties or relationships to avoid self-reflection, consciously step into the discomfort of becoming more familiar with the world you are not so familiar with. Growth comes from confronting what we fear. When relating brings pain, embrace the challenge of feeling it and opening to it rather than distracting yourself. Inquire deeper what your growth and learning is.

Living Authentically – Learn to relate while being centered and grounding in being. Becoming inner directed, rather than focused on being or doing what others expect of you. Have the courage to be authentic, even if it means sometimes disappointing someone you love.

When we integrate both worlds, we become emotionally grounded and capable of deep, authentic relationships and wonderful peaceful aloneness.