Some time ago, we wrote an article called, “The Question of Monogamy.” In that article, we explained that in our work and based on our own experience, it is never a question of what is right or wrong, but rather a question of each person’s growth at different times in life.
We also stressed that there is a big difference between what we call, “conscious or unconscious monogamy.” Unconscious monogamy is based on fear, choosing security and convention, while a conscious choice to be with one partner can arise from a clarity that this is what is most growthful and creates the basis for deepening trust and intimacy.
We would like to revisit this topic for several reasons. One reason is that it is such a confusing and painful issue for many couples we work with. But the most important reason is that we would like to go deeper with this topic and help bring some light to liberate it from the weight of convention, fear, guilt, and morality and raise it to the level of freedom, choice, courage, and consciousness.
There are important factors that could lead a couple to make a clear choice to be together, choosing consciously to be sexually exclusive and to take the deep and nourishing journey of intimacy as a way to learn more about themselves and each other, to go through difficult times together, to develop deepening trust and become each other’s most intimate friend as well as lover.
We both made this choice when we came together 25 years ago. We had reached a point in our lives when variety and sexual exploration with different partners was something we had explored extensively, and we were ready for the journey of committed intimacy.
We knew how delicate and fragile the love connection can be, how we would have to consciously nourish it and be willing to look deeply and honestly at ourselves in order to keep the love flowing. But most of all, we were integrated enough to know that we did not need another person to make us fulfilled or alive, we had a good sense of our own boundaries, and we had the ability to handle disappointments when there was an absence of connection.
However, it is seldom that two people come together with that much clarity. Very often, we work with couples where the journey of committed intimacy was not a conscious choice. Often, they lack enough compatibility and common priorities to be together in the long run, or the energy between them has gone dead, or there are unresolved emotional issues, or one or both are depending on each other to bring aliveness into their lives. Yet they stay together because of the fear of being alone; afraid to break up the family, afraid of people’s opinions or afraid of losing financial security.
In our experience, when these problems are present, there may not be enough reason to stay together or to be sexually exclusive just for the sake of security or convention. When we choose this kind of compromised life, usually life will kick us in the ass some way or another to wake us up. The symptoms of this life choice are often depression and/or some addiction or even a secret affair.
It is possible to work through the deeper issues individually and together to get the energy moving again, but unless both people are willing to do the necessary work to resolve conflicts, to become clear of shared priorities, learn to communicate, and individually take responsibility for their own life energy, neither will have a fulfilling life and nothing will move.
Furthermore, two people may have come together and even created a family before one or both of them have explored their own sexuality and connected with their own life energy. Then, when one (or both) begin to work on themselves and uncover the immense repression, morality, and beliefs that they digested from their conditioning, the roof blows off the house.
This was the case with Stefan who came to a full year training with us. He admitted that while he deeply loved his wife, Ellen, he found that their life was “too boring,” and their time together was consumed with the children and other practical matters.
During the training, he began to realize how profoundly conditioned he was to being a “good boy” and to create a life according to what his family wanted. Ellen fit right into that life. Now, he was finding himself attracted to another participant, whom he felt was much more alive and comfortable in her body than his wife. We explored his history of sexual repression in childhood and how guilty he felt about “being a sexual man.” He became clear that he wanted a change in his life and was not willing to return to the same lifestyle he had been in before with Ellen. But it remained a difficult challenge for him to explore his aliveness and sexuality without threatening the relationship. He was not at all clear if monogamy was right for him at this point, but not yet ready to risk exploring with another woman.
On a deeper level, this issue of monogamy and open relationship can reflect a split inside between one part of us that wants security, safety and predictability and another part of us that craves freedom, variety, and adventure. This split is often reflected in a desire for sexual exploration.
Jason has been in a relationship with Lucy for three years. Although, he felt that the relationship was going deeper, he has never been quite sure if she was the right person for him. He was convinced that he wanted to be in a sexually exclusive relationship, but recently, he attended a seminar and found himself strongly attracted to another participant. This confused him. Suddenly, he was convinced that he wanted to be in an open relationship because he felt he was missing more intensity and adventure in his life. He told his girlfriend that he wanted, “an open relationship,” she got upset and broke it off with him. We continue to guide him to find himself on deeper and deeper levels without worrying about whether he wants to be in an open or committed relationship at this point in his life. His exploration is more about getting to know himself more deeply and to begin to bring more aliveness and energy into his life, without depending on getting that from another person.
Jason wants security and familiarity to compensate for having an absent mother. At the same time, he wants to live his freedom without being obligated or committed to anyone. This is also a reaction to his mother who was riddled with fear and suffocated him with her needs. While he had a consistent connection with Lucy, he did not feel that she could meet him in his intensity and passion for growth. Until there is a deeper synchronicity between these two parts of him inside, he will keep attracting partners who represent one side or the other of his own inner split.
As we explore some of the legitimate reasons that monogamy may not be the right choice for someone at a given time in his or her life, we also have to mention why choosing to have an open relationship can be a distraction or an addiction from deeper truth.
Oscar, when he first came to work with us, told us that he was convinced that he wanted “polyamory,” a philosophy about having multiple sexual partners. He was raised by an alcoholic father who abused his mother verbally and he witnessed constant fighting between them as a child. Furthermore, his mother was highly possessive of him using him as a substitute for the lack of love from her husband. He learned very early that no woman is ever going to be there for him. In his work with us, he has been slowly able to recover his sense of self, to feel that his needs are important, and that it might be safe to open deeply to a woman if he can stay connected to himself. He started realizing that wanting to have a relationship with several women at the same time was a way for him to protect himself from the deeper fear of intimacy and of not being able to set healthy boundaries for himself.
We may avoid intimacy when we are not confident in our boundaries, or we don’t have the tools to sustain ongoing connection with someone. If we choose to be sexually exclusive with someone, then we also have to be willing to commit to the work that is needed, because sustained intimacy is not easy. So often, people want to be exclusive without having any idea what they are getting themselves into and then have an affair or slip into an addiction when things get difficult.
Another reason that we sometimes see couples choosing open relationship is that on a deeper level they may know that the relationship is over, but they are too scared to admit it or to take the necessary steps to end it. Opening the relationship to other partners can be a way to hold on the partner if they are not ready to feel the grief that the relationship is over.
The choice of a committed or an open relationship is not an easy one for the reasons we have mentioned. Regardless of our choice, if we are in an existing relationship, it is important to know that there will be consequences if we have an affair (even if we keep it secret), or if we agree to open up the sexuality to have other partners. If we keep it secret the other person most often starts to feel insecure and perhaps not knowing why.
When one (or both) people make love to another person, it can bring up deep shame, fear, and mistrust for the other. A couple may recover the trust together if they work on why an affair happened, work through any underlying unresolved issues, and bring deeper growth, aliveness, and communication to their relating. However, understanding the effect of the affair is crucial.
Furthermore we often see couples where one of the partners entered into an open relationship because the other partner wanted it and they were too scared to be honest or not in contact with what is true for them.
We write this article not to provide answers to this complicated topic but to inspire each of you to look inside and find out what is true for you.
It really depends on each individual person and on each couples’ situation – on their maturity, willingness to be honest with themselves and each other, and courage to be true.
It is up to each person to decide what is true at any given time, try as best he or she can to be honest and face the consequences of his or her decision. Short of living according to ideas and morality, we can only trust our consciousness to guide us.
For sure it is much riskier, requires a lot of courage, but it brings us tremendous dignity, life energy and joy.