One of the most basic aspects of the Learning Love Work is finding how to come back to center after we have been provoked. It’s an essential tool if we choose to embrace life and love fully, since we are for sure going to get provoked.
A doctor friend of mine was buying bread at a local bakery and the customer ahead of him was ranting with the shop person about how people were so stupid to get the Covid vaccine. My friend has a strong opinion about the importance of people getting the shot both to protect others and themselves but also for the good of society as a whole. So, he engaged her in a heated discussion which of course went nowhere. When he got home, he realized how disturbed he was inside and berated himself for “getting hooked” as he described it. But he sat with the discomfort, helped by his many years of meditation, and as he settled inside, he also found acceptance that others don’t share the same opinion as he did.
Silvia, a client of ours, was sharing with us that she is upset and frustrated with her boyfriend. “I want him to be able to feel me when I’m upset and be there for me. All he does is want to fix me and tell me that it will pass or that it isn’t such a big deal. Plus, he doesn’t hug me much unless I initiate affection. It drives me nuts! And on top of all this, his approach to love making is quick and automatic.”
As we worked with her, we started by framing the situation by explaining that this was a significant trigger for her and naturally can bring up a lot of disturbance. Then we guided her to feel her activation in the body and at the same time helping her to soothe the anxiety with her awareness and breath. We explained that her abandonment wound is constantly being triggered and it is something that arises in relationship when we’re not getting what we want.
The next step was to help her bring acceptance to the whole situation.
“When you look and feel him, what do you see about him?”
“I see that he has a very matter of fact approach toward life and is simply not tuned into feelings very much. But he cares for me, and I guess trying to fix me is his way of showing his affection.
“Do you think that he is willing to make some changes, at least in the way you make love?”
“Yes, he is open to learning to make love in a slower and more sensitive way. But as for learning about feelings, no chance.”
“In your daily life together, are there things you enjoy as a couple other than love making?”
“Yes, we love nature, and we really have a good time a lot of the time. And we laugh a lot.”
“If that feels like enough, perhaps if you focus of what you like together, you can accept him as he is and also accept that it’s your choice to be with him as he is.”
I (Krish) can share a recent experience which gave me an acute opportunity to practice what we are describing here. We are in the process of building a new deck on our house in Sedona and we made a big order for decking material. As I am home alone right now because Amana is in Denmark, I needed to juggle being there to receive the shipment together with a day full of individual sessions. I got a call that the delivery would come between 8am and 5pm on a certain day and I needed to be meet the driver to receive it. As it was a heavy order, I asked our builder to be on call that day. At 5pm when no driver had appeared, I called to company to find out what was going on.
“Oh, I am so sorry,” the receptionist said, “your order was never loaded on the truck.”
“Are you f…. kidding me! Why did the driver not call me to let me know! I had a crew waiting all day!”
“Oh, I’m afraid we are so busy right now that things like that happen.”
I arranged to have it come the next day and when it did, (also an hour late) my builder also came late and then started swearing in Spanish at the driver for what happened yesterday, (different driver) not realizing until later that the driver was also Mexican and understood everything. On top of all of this, 20% of the material was damaged beyond repair. As you might imagine, I was losing it. Did I make peace with the incompetence (reminding me of my days in India)? No. But I did spend some hours regulating myself. Then the next day, I called and spoke to the manager in a calmer way saying that this was just unacceptable. He listened and sincerely apologized. So much for that.
There are some examples of the many ways that we can get triggered in our daily life. So rather than going nuts, it is super important to find a skillful and nonreactive way to deal with them when they come up.
We offer a simple approach.
When we get triggered, there are a number of possible ways that we may react emotionally inside and outside. One way is to get angry and/or attack. Another is to become frightened and go into shock or become highly activated. Still another is to become resigned or even depressed and perhaps retreat into our shell. Or it can be a combination of some or all of these.
Here’s our method:
Step 1: Bring awareness to the fact that you have been triggered.
Step 2: Take some time to go inside and feel the emotional climate inside. If you have reacted already (as I did) take some time later to focus inside. If you are activated and disturbed, feel that. If you are angry, feel that. If you feel resigned and sad, feel that. Just be with it.
Step 3: Once you tune into what is happening inside, bring loving awareness to whatever is there and take time to sooth. If it’s disturbance, bring loving awareness to it and try soothing it with your breath. If you feel angry, accept and feel that without judgment and also without feeling the need to express it (that’s not easy.) Just be with it and feel yourself being angry. If you notice sadness and heaviness, be with that and become aware that it can bring a lot of sadness. When we stay with the body sensations and actively soothing ourselves most of the time, we will settle.
Also notice what you are saying to yourself about the trigger and your reaction. Such as, “He or she should be different, act different etc.” “Why isn’t this over for me, I should be further along by now.” “This is way too much for me to handle, I need to make it go away.” “I need to act right away or something bad is going to happen or I will be humiliated.”
Step 4: Allow yourself to accept the situation and also to accept the helplessness that many of these situations brings up. That is also not easy. Bring some wisdom and perspective to the whole thing. See it or the other person as he or she is. Take space from it and realize that it has come into your life to help you grow and develop more inner space.
Step 5: Move back into it with whatever action or inaction seems appropriate from a place of wisdom. Perhaps you will need to say something from a vulnerable place, perhaps not say anything but simply be with it. Perhaps you will need to make some change but if you do make a chance, allow it to come from a centered place, not an emotional or reactive one.
Clearly some triggers are much more provocative than others. And it’s not easy to be with discomfort. Our natural and instinctual reaction is to move away from our disturbances with denial, distraction, or addictions. Or to react with strong emotion hoping to change the person.
But that approach doesn’t help us grow, build emotional and spiritual muscle, or discover a healthy way to deal with triggers. Our suggestion is to face our triggers in a skillful way.
Perhaps the method we describe here can help you navigate them gracefully.