This article continues from the first part we wrote earlier this year, where we explored the conditioning we all receive and how it continues to affect our lives.
In Part 1, we laid out the painful truth that much of our suffering stems from unconscious patterns rooted in childhood.
Here, we turn toward the path of recovery—the way back home to our essence.
Here is a link to part 1 if you haven’t read it: PART 1
Understanding the Loss of Ourselves
As children, we had no choice but to adapt to the environments we grew up in. A child is too helpless, too dependent, to see the family situation clearly.
Instead, we absorb what is given to us. We learn who we “should” be and how we “should” act in order to survive, gain approval and love and/or avoid rejection and punishment.
The beautiful aspect of this is our ability to adapt and survive. The painful aspect is that this adaptation often runs so deep that we lose touch with our authentic nature and become identified with shame, mistrust, and fear.
Out of loyalty and survival instinct, many of us even protect the very people who conditioned, distracted, or harmed us. Instead of recognizing abuse, neglect, or dysfunction, we unconsciously take the blame onto ourselves by starting to feel that we are not good enough, and often prematurely “forgive” the neglect, lack of support, pressure, judgments, and abuse we may have received.
We inherit our parents shame, fear, mistrust, and rage—and carry these emotions into our adult lives, mistaking them for our own.
This explains why so many of us blame ourselves when life feels unfulfilling, when confidence is shaky, or when self-esteem is low. Rather than choosing authenticity, we martyr ourselves to keep others happy, shrinking back from life in fear of being judged or punished again.
For example, if we were once punished for being vibrant or expressive, we may hold back today, without realizing that it is fear from the past that rules our present. Another avenue we may take is to blame others, feel scared and mistrustful of closeness, and even blame life itself for being unkind.
Once we understand these dynamics, we can begin to return home to ourselves. The following steps are a path of healing and transformation.
Step 1: Treating Ourselves with Love and Respect
The foundation of healing lies in how we treat ourselves. Too often, we unconsciously mirror the ways we were once treated—judging, criticizing, or demeaning ourselves.
To break free, we need to identify the harsh inner critical voices, take distance from them, and learn to treat ourselves with the same love, kindness, and respect that we longed for as children.
This is not easy at first. Shame identities are stubborn, and self-criticism feels natural. That is why it’s vital to observe the inner dialogue closely. Which thoughts are truly ours, and which are echoes of old comparisons, judgments, or neglect? Gently but firmly, we can begin to replace inner abuse with compassion and self-love.
It takes a lot of courage to begin to question the inner critic and set boundaries to it, and to truly begin to love and appreciate ourselves the way we are. Not the way we think we should be. By doing this, we begin to separate energetically from those who raised us and become an individual.
Step 2: Creating Loving and Supportive Environments
As we begin to truly love ourselves, we must also examine the environments we live in.
Do they support growth and authenticity, or do they reinforce fear and limitation?
Often, this step requires courage—to step away from environments and relationships that drain us, and toward new communities that uplift us. Doing so can stir guilt and fear, especially if it means moving away from family expectations or long-time friends.
Healing thrives in environments of love, trust, and encouragement.
Step 3: Discontinuing Destructive Patterns
Conditioning often drives us into patterns that numb, distract, or sabotage ourselves; such as staying in unhealthy and unnourishing relationships, substance use, excessive screen time like social media, or self-destructive behaviors like working too much, complaining, eating too much or too little, or not taking time for what brings us joy.
Though these behaviors may soothe our anxiety in the moment, they ultimately erode our self-respect.
Destructive patterns also include subtle but corrosive habits such as not setting boundaries, tolerating disrespect, living inauthentically, excessive compliance and compromise, or withholding joy and appreciation.
Transformation requires the courage to stop giving energy to what drains us and to nurture what brings joy.
A crucial part of this step is regulating the nervous system. This involves consciously paying attention to the level of activation that we go into, locating where in our body we hold anxiety and using the breath to bring soothing presence as a way of coming into the present moment.
That way our body begins to realize that we are safe now and can relax.
Doing this practice regularly allows us to expand the inner capacity to handle painful feelings and creates space inside so we don’t avoid challenging situations that could help us grow.
It allow us to build more confidence that we can handle the disturbances that predictably will arise in our lives, career, and relationships as we open more deeply to life.
Without this inner self-regulation, destructive habits easily return as coping mechanisms and we shrink back from living life fully.
Step 4: Finding the Courage to Stand Up for Ourselves
Healing also means reclaiming our boundaries and personal integrity. Many of us have been conditioned to distrust our feelings, suppress our intuition, or silence our self-expression.
Standing up for ourselves may feel frightening, even dangerous, because in the past it often was.
This step involves taking conscious risks by facing the shame and fear absorbed in childhood, acknowledging the anger of having been invaded or disrespected, and slowly learning to speak and live our truth.
With each act of courage, however small, we reclaim our right to exist authentically.
Step 5: Separating from Family Values and Discovering Our Own
Much of what we believe about life, love, money, sex and relationships does not actually belong to us. It is borrowed from our family and culture. Unless we question these values, we may spend life as unconscious replicas of our upbringing and live an inauthentic life.
The path home is to begin to question everything and slowly become clear what truly belongs to us, and then declaring our own priorities and values—whether privately, with trusted friends, or directly to our family. Once we declare our truth, it marks a turning point in our lives.
This process also involves grieving what was missing in our upbringing. Letting go of the hope that our parents will one day give us what we needed, and accept them for who they are.
Acceptance is not the same as forgiveness. Acceptance involves a clear recognition of the limitations of our childhood upbringing and making peace with that by creating and living the life we would like to live.
From that place of acceptance and self-love, we can relate to our parents (or their memory) with compassion, while living our own truth.
Step 6: Integrating Meditation and Aliveness into Everyday Life
Finally, transformation requires cultivating meditative awareness and aliveness in daily life.
This means becoming a witness to all our states, raising our life energy, and noticing what drains it.
It means breathing more deeply into the belly and becoming aware of the energy in the body and starting to feel the sensations; tuning into our heart and being instead of just listening to the mind. The mind is a wonderful mechanism when it is used to serving the heart and the wisdom.
Every day, we are given a finite amount of energy. We can spend it on negativity, addiction, and self-denial, or on joy, creativity, and presence. The art of living lies in this choice.
When we live with awareness, life becomes a song, a dance, and a creative adventure.
Without awareness, life becomes dull, boring and predictable.
Meditation means becoming an observer of our thoughts, feelings, body sensations and behavior.
This can involve sitting silently, listening to peaceful music, walking in nature, dancing, or engaging in a sport.
But most importantly, it means consistently observing ourselves. This helps regulate anxiety, brings trust and positivity, and teaches us to expand even in the face of challenges.
Aliveness invites us to step into vitality rather than shrinking back.
Together, meditation and aliveness form the cornerstone of inner freedom.
Conclusion: Coming Home
The way back home is not a single step but a journey of courage, awareness, and love.
Each step – treating ourselves with kindness, creating supportive environments, breaking destructive patterns, standing up for ourselves, discovering our values, and living with meditation and aliveness – brings us closer to our authentic essence.
This is a path of healing. It is a path of coming home to ourselves and to the possibility of deep love with another person.
With love,
Krish and Amana