The next stage in our process of restoring love flow and retrieving a positive sense of self is finding the courage to honor our needs and stand up ourselves. Most of us do not live authentically, honoring our boundaries, respecting our life energy, and trusting our inner sense of what feels right each moment. We may live by guilt, obligation, compromise, and sacrificing our boundaries and truth just because we don’t want to experience disapproval, rejection, anger, or not belonging. And when we live in this way, we lose connection to our inner love flow and lose our dignity and self-respect.
Many of us lost this ability in childhood because of our needs for belonging, for approval, and perhaps because we were not encouraged to trust our own feelings and truth. We may even have been punished for not following the rules or for being different. In short, individuality may not have been a high value as we were growing up.
Today, we may discover all the ways that we are not being authentic – losing ourselves when we come close to someone, regressing and behaving like an obedient or rebellious child with family, friends, authority figures, or lovers, not following our flow but giving in to other’s will or expectations, or prematurely forgiving someone who abused us as a child.
Monica met Samuel in a therapy group, and they fell in love. Monica was working as a massage therapist but having difficulties supporting herself. Samuel is a wealthy lawyer, enjoying a lavish lifestyle. They dated for six months, and then decided to live together. A year later, they had a child, Alan, who is now seven. For the first few years, their relating was joyful, passionate, and loving. Monica felt that she had finally found a man who made her feel loved and secure. And she was happy to be at home and care for their child. She loved having a man who loved her, living in a beautiful house, able to afford nice clothes, and not having to worry about money.
But after some time, she began to feel resentful that she didn’t have her own creative life. Furthermore, she felt that Samuel considered her an irresponsible child because she wasn’t contributing financially, and he consistently questioned how she was spending money. This reminded her of how her father treated her as his “little girl” and even to this day, still feels that she is a child who needs a man’s support. Their sex life declined, and they began fighting frequently about the finances, caring for Alan, and the fact that their sex was not how it used to be. Then, she met a man in their daycare facility, and they secretly began having an affair. Once again, she felt desirable, appreciated, and alive.
Eventually, she realized that she no longer wanted to be with Samuel because she couldn’t tolerate losing her dignity and integrity just to be comfortable and secure. In spite of her fears of being alone and surviving financially, she moved out, found a small apartment, divided the time with Alan between them, and began working as a manager in a bed and breakfast in town.
If we lacked the qualities of protection, security, predictability, and stability in our past, we may make them a priority to meet them today and cloud our awareness that we also need to live our truth. We may not even be aware that we have a need for truth, independence, self-reliance, and authenticity.
When we are not living our truth:
1. We automatically comply when someone makes a request, a demand, or has an expectation and are unable to feel what we need.
2. We may discover that we are losing or even have lost a sense of ourselves when we come close to someone.
3. We discover that we will do anything to maintain harmony, giving up our time, decisions, and opinions, or saying what we don’t mean to avoid arguments or disagreements.
4. We are so afraid of losing ourselves that we don’t allow another person to come close.
5. We may allow ourselves to be physically, verbally, or sexually abused, feel inferior, or giving up our dreams.
But as we grow, have more confidence in our resourcefulness, and become more mature, we may no longer be able to sacrifice our need to be authentic, and we are ready to face the challenge of being true to ourselves.
Here are some important points that we have found helpful for recovering our truth:
1. Making Authenticity a Priority in Our Life
Because of our need for harmony and security, it is quite common to disregard, minimize, excuse, or deny or need for authenticity. This is also true in regard to becoming aware when we experience an invasion of our boundaries. Our journey to recover and live our truth, therefore, begins by making it so important that we are willing to risk disapproval, anger, rejection, not being taken seriously, or ignored.
2. Becoming Aware How It Feels When We Are Not Being True
Once we make living in truth a clear priority, we can also begin to sense when we are out of line with ourselves, when we are doing or saying something that just doesn’t feel in tune with our truth. It can be felt as a general sense of malaise, loss of malaise or discomfort. It is a signal that we have moved away from ourselves, and compromised for the sake of harmony, comfort, and security. We can also begin to sense when we have allowed our boundaries to be invaded or intruded upon.
3. Becoming Aware of Our Boundary System
When we teach about re-discovering our boundaries, we invite people to extend an arm straight in front of them and make a 360-degree circle. The area that it encloses is our natural boundary. We decide who and how we invite to enter.
4. Separating from People Who Don’t Validate Our Truth
As we become clearer that we want to live in dignity and self-respect, we may have to separate from those we have been close to who are not supportive of our finding our truth. This may often include members of our family of origin, friends, authority figures, or even a therapist. This can take much courage because of our longing for belonging, fear of disapproval, anger, revenge, guilt, and thoughts that we might be making a horrible mistake.
5. Affirming Our Boundaries
Because most of us have experienced invasion and intrusions in our past, and we may have come to believe that this behavior is normal, it is important to bring awareness when they happened and how they may repeat themselves today. Today, in our life, we may actually be treated with disrespect, or we may project it because we are accustomed to it and believe that we deserve it.
Let’s bring light to this topic by starting to bring awareness to what actually constitutes an invasion or intrusion.
· If, as a child, we were accustomed to being told what to do, think, say, or behave, we learn to accept, comply, and accommodate to it.
· If we received physical, verbal, or even sexual abuse in our past, we may even learn to accept and expect this kind of treatment without realizing how abusive it is.
· The same may be true when someone is dishonest, takes something without asking, not fulfilling a promise, or gives us unsolicited advice.
· And if another person is overbearing with his/her energy, words, or actions or if someone makes a demand or puts an expectation on us.
Quite often, when we experience an invasion or intrusion, or when someone wants something wants something from us, we are unable to feel the emotions or even the sensations in our body because we could be in a state of shock. In any situation in which we feel invaded or feel responsible to do something that is requested of us, we are likely to automatically comply and also dissociate and freeze in fear. Or we can go into a panic, become confused and agitated.
For those of us who have experienced intrusion or invasion in the past or were raised in an environment in which there was strong authority, rules, or pressure, the most common reaction might have been to comply, freeze, dissociate, or panic.
And when we are in these states, it is difficult to feel anything because we are taken over by the panic or shock. Yet it is an essential part of learning the lesson of living our truth to take time to be with and feel, in a loving way, either the shock or the panic because in that way, we are being present to our traumatized self. It is enough to notice the body sensations of contraction, of shaking, or to notice how we may compensate by complying or pretending that we are not affected.
The experiences of actual or projected invasion or any time someone wants something from us can also produce an attack of anger or even rage. This is natural because we have become sensitized to losing ourselves and feeling like a victim and at a certain point, we can no longer tolerate making ourselves small. We invite people when this happens to fully allow the feelings connected to anger or rage in the body without feeling that we have to retaliate.
It is important in this process of learning to live our truth to feel and validate our experience whatever it is.
Bernard was raised mostly by his mother. His father died when he was six and his mother never remarried. She struggled to make a living and as the eldest of two boys, it fell on him to become the “man of the house.” He learned early to set aside his own feelings and needs because he was told verbally and energetically, that he needed to be responsible and to help his mother take care of the family. When his mother was stressed or worried, she came to him to express her fears, and he learned to be a good receptacle for her frustration. Today, he is fulfilling his conditioning as a responsible doctor and father. But he mechanically denies his feelings, needs, and boundaries.
Unfortunately, he lives in a continual state of stress routinely trying to meet other’s expectations, particularly those of his wife and his boss at work and often feels irritated and moody. He judges himself that he is not more often joyful and in good humor. His work has been to learn to feel and validate whatever is going on inside, and to recognize that after a lifetime of suppressing his feelings, needs, and passions, it is important for him to learn to listen to himself again.
Because many of us have been so distracted from being connected to our feelings, moods, and needs, we may not recognize them. But by beginning to pay close attention to our body sensations and our moodiness, we can begin to discover that we are not listening to our own needs and slowly come back to ourselves, willing to feel the fear and guilt of being “selfish” and that no one will like us anymore.
Learning to find the courage to listen to ourselves again and willing to feel the guilt and fear that arises is the risk we have to go through to become authentic again.
6. Speaking Our Truth
The last step in this process involves actually speaking our truth because when we take the risk to express how we feel and what feels right for us, it helps to consolidate our dignity and integrity. It is important to understand that invasions or intrusions in our life today or anytime someone requests something of us are a great opportunity for us to learn to live our truth again. So rather than see the other person as the enemy, we can use these situations as a way to practice empowering ourselves. As a suggestion, we might say:
· “No, it doesn’t feel true for me to do that at this time.”
· “When I listen to myself, I would need to say no to doing that.”
· “I hear that this is what you would like. However, what feels more true for me is…”
It is important to understand that living and speaking our truth doesn’t include telling someone your opinion of him/her. That itself is an invasion. Our speaking and living truth involves only talking about ourselves.
“Each individual should have a direct contact with the universe, its beauty, its tremendous glory — which creates without any effort a gratitude, a prayer, perhaps a song, a dance. If we allow each individual his dignity and respect, there will be immense love, immense respect, immense understanding. We can change this ugly world which has been created by the past, into a beautiful garden where everyone can rise to his potential height, can shower his flowers and can release his fragrance.
I stand for the individual.
But this needs a tremendous courage to revolt and assert your individuality, whatever the consequences. You have to learn to love yourself first, to respect yourself first. And then certainly it will give you tremendous nourishment and it will start spreading around you.”
Osho, Om Mani Padme Om #20
Exercise:
Ask yourself:
1. In what way have I or still lose my sense of self, and doubt my feelings, thoughts, and behavior when I come close to someone?
2. What specific aspects of my life and passions do I lose or give away when I come close to someone?
3. What does it feel like for me when someone close to me has strong opinions and will power? Do I go into shock, get angry, or collapse?
4. How is it for me to set limits, stand up, or take time for myself?
5. What kind of small risk could I take now in my life to begin to learn to set limits or stand up for myself?
6. What experiences as a child might have contributed to my difficulty to set limits or to stand up for my own needs?
§ Not being supported to discover and value my own opinions, needs, or energy?
§ Being exposed to an angry parent or being punished if I did my own thing?
§ Having to take care of a parent’s needs over my own?
A Guided Meditation on Empowerment
(You can read and record this meditation and play it back to yourself or you can have a friend read this to you.)
Begin by finding a safe place to sit or lie down…where you can be comfortable and undisturbed.
Gently allow yourself to relax.
Closing your eyes and slowly bringing your attention and awareness inside.
Deeper and deeper, more and more relaxed.
Take a moment to recall a recent situation in which you felt that someone did or said something to you that was hurtful.
Perhaps he or she came late to an appointment with you and this is not the first time that this has happened.
Perhaps he or she criticized or judged you.
Perhaps he or she told you what you should do or feel.
Perhaps he or she was aggressive verbally, sexually, or physically with you.
Perhaps he or she puts expectations on you to act or feel in a certain way.
Often we go into automatic when events like this happen.
But let’s try something different.
Take some moments to feel inside what happens when you receive this kind of treatment.
Feel how your body reacts.
Sometimes, quite often actually, we may go into shock when someone treats us this way.
We act automatically because we are not feeling anything or we are not really with ourselves.
If that is the case, it is very healing just to allow yourself to be with this shock state and observe and feel it.
Often we are too afraid to notice what is happening.
But learning to feel our shock is the first step of empowerment, of becoming present to our experience again.
It might be, however, that when these events happen, you could also feel some disturbance, irritation or even anger arising that you are being treated in this way or allowing yourself to be treated in this way.
If that is the case, let yourself feel that experience.
It could range from feeling disturbed, to irritation, or it might be stronger even to the point of rage.
Because so often we may have minimized our needs, and given up our boundaries, we don’t allow ourselves to feel disturbed when someone invades our boundaries.
It is natural and healthy to begin to feel irritated when our boundaries are invaded, when we treated with disrespect.
Allowing yourself to feel that as it may range from disturbance to irritation, to stronger anger is also very healthy – it is another step of empowerment.
There comes a time when we are present and aware enough when we are disrespected, when we allow ourselves to feel our shock and our anger, that we can arrive to a point when we can stand up for ourselves.
This is the third stage of empowerment – learning to stand up for yourself and when needed, to set a limit.
You can even practice this now.
Imagine that you are standing in front of this person.
Feeling your feet on the ground, feel yourself standing erect, breathe into your belly, and look the person directly.
Imagine that you are saying, “It is not okay with me when you…”
Say it with conviction, with assertion, with dignity.
Notice how it feels when you stand up for yourself in this way.
This process takes practice; there is no pressure, it takes time.
It is the way back to yourself and it is also a step toward greater love for yourself and for the other person.
And now, very slowly you can allow yourself to come back.
Gently moving your fingers and toes
as you begin to bring the energy back into your body.
You may want to take a deep breath
as you come back even more now
and when you feel ready you can open your eyes….
Being back now,
Fully alert and awake.
*****